Updated: Jun 29, 2019
--From the Archives--
Losing an unborn child feels like an injustice.
That's one of the hardest things I have had to wrestle with in my mind over the past several weeks since we found out our baby was not alive anymore. It feels so unjust. All of it.
I will never get to hold my baby.
I will never get to brush her hair, or help her with homework.
I will never get to call her name to come here or get aggravated at her for not listening.
I will never get to have a relationship with her, or teach her about Jesus.
I will never get to teach her to ride a bike, and play dress-up with her.
I will never know this baby, her personality, her hobbies, interests.
I will never hear her say, "Mom, I love you," or just simply, "Mom."
It feels so unjust.
I never even got a chance to be her mom, and this baby never got a chance to experience life on this earth.
She will never get to see the Grand Canyon, or the beautiful coastline of Italy.
She will never learn the piano or read a brilliant novel.
All of the wonderful things that this life has to offer are no longer within her fingertips. A chance to know her parents and a chance for her parents to know her... vanished.
But the more I have thought about this... the more I realize how very wrong I am. Though it does feel unfair, I am forgetting the most beautiful part of the story.
I am forgetting that when that heart stopped beating in my baby's tiny little chest, she immediately was in the arms of Christ.
The pain I have been through in my loss and grief, my baby will never have to walk through. The tears I have cried will never fall from her eyes.
She will never hurt.
She will never be sick.
She will never be sad or heartbroken.
She will never have cancer.
She will never have a broken leg.
She will never be afraid.
She will never be lonely or feel unloved.
She will never fail.
She will never experience rejection.
She will always feel joy.
There will be no darkness.
She will always be singing.
My baby is forever in the presence of her Maker, and that is far greater than anything this world (or me, her mom) has to offer. There is nothing greater.
I selfishly want my baby to experience life, but I really just want to get a chance to hold her and love on her. As much as I want to hold her, God wants to hold her so much more. God loves her more than I can ever imagine, and He is overjoyed to have her forever with him.
And though I would have loved to hear my child say her first word ("Mama", of course), God got to hear her say it instead. She said "Jesus, Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty... Jesus.."
What a beautiful thing, for the first face you ever see to be your Maker's.
This may seem unfair, but to me, now, all I can think about is how much joy she will know. Forever.
Letting go of her requires me to hand her to Jesus, but I can't think of anyone better to take care of her.
And I stinkin' can't wait to meet her one day.